Thank you

And because i finally have internet and it’s 12 am and you know me, i overthink. A lot. And i just finished Practice Makes Perfect and started another book and finished it just now (This isn’t a night time book. :P Pregnancy Test by Erin McCarthy) so dont think i put any effort in this. I really didn’t. ;) :)))
I just never had the chance to say all these to you and now, i have the chance.

I’m sorry if this is random but i just needed to let this out. There were so many things i wish i could’ve told you earlier but i hadn’t had the chance to wrap my brain around it and organize my thoughts.

Thank you. Thank you for always being there. For always looking out for me. For being the only guy i can show my real self to. With you, i don’t have to pretend that i’m happy. I don’t have to keep hidden the Janine that i don’t show other people. I don’t have to pretend i’m not hurt (well, except when it’s bad and it might worry you, then i won’t tell you) or sad or happy. I can tell you anything, anywhere at anytime. So thank you for that.

Thank you for being the guy i was willing to risk things with. I told you before. I never let my guard down around guys. You know some of the stories about the guys i wouldn’t let in. You know the stories about me “not wanting a relationship”. Buuuut, it’s different with you and i don’t know why.

Thank you for tearing down my walls. I didn’t know when and how that happened, but i’m glad it did.

Thank you for proving to me that not all guys are the same. I know I always tell people that all guys are the same, but you are an exception to that.

Thank you for letting me in and for trusting me enough to tell me about your past, doubts, worries, everything. I know i told you about how girls talk, i meant i can tell them about me and what happened, not your side. Not what you said. Not all your stories. Everything you said will be kept private. I hope you know that. Which reminds me, hello, part 4 or 5 soon please?

Thank you for making me realize that i still have feelings. I told you about how people have called me heartless and manhid before right? Well, i believed them for a second and i asked myself, “If i really was heartless, i shouldn’t be feeling all this?” Come on, i can’t even play truth or dare now if it involves making out with other people. After what you and i shared, it just doesn’t seem right. That just proves i still have feelings… Right?:))

Thank you for still being here. I’m the type of person who pushes people away before i get close to them. I swear my friend has commented on this too many times. She has seen me push people away and she asked me once if i was going to push you away. You know what i said? “I tried to push him away. But, i can’t eh.” I know i’m difficult and i don’t know what i want. I mean one minute we’re laughing about something, then after a while, i’m gonna tell you i need space from you. I tell you that i don’t want to talk, but i end up texting you the next day. I know i’m making this harder for myself since all i want to do is to hug you and take things slow and make things right, but i know it’s not gonna happen so…. I just wanna say thanks… For putting up with me.

And since this is all about thanking, I won’t elaborate on this part too much. I’m just sorry for letting things go fast and for all the drama and shit i put you through. I’m sorry for not handling everything well. I’m just sorry, okay. I’m not sorry that it happened, you know that, we could have made it work i’m just sorry that I messed everything all up.

Okay this is getting too long na but i just want to say, thank you. For being your incredible and amazing self. You, without a doubt, changed my life.

Piling up

Everything has been piling up since i don’t know when.
I don’t know what to do.
I can’t tell anyone.
I don’t want to tell anyone.
Not yet.
This is killing me.

“Are you really okay?”

There are so many ways i can answer this question.
I know for a fact that i am physically not okay.
I am not sure if I am mentally drained or exhausted.
But….. I don’t know how my emotional side is dealing with things.
My friend asked me that question.
He looked me in the eye and asked me.
I broke down. I couldn’t help it.
I’m happy.
Happy.
Yes things could be better but….
I have to accept that this is as good as it’s going to get.
I like you… A lot. Even more now. And it sucks.
Why? What made me like you more?
I think it’s cause of the fact that you are so strong and i look up to you.
I think it’s also cause even though i am a really malabo person and i hardly give emotion away, you still care and you’re still here.
I think it’s cause of how i still don’t know the reason why i’m always scared of what you would think. May it be about eating or my stories about guys.
I don’t think i should stop talking to you.
I’m used to talking to you.
Even if it still hurts knowing that you won’t ever feel the same, i still have to talk to you.
Why do i want myself to go through that?
It will be harder to go through life not having someone i can confide to.
It will be harder if i lost the person i trust the most.
It will be harder to not have someone i can be my own weird, pathetic and vulnerable self.
I’m not making any sense now.
I know.
It’s almost 2am. I better try sleeping now.

We should have ended things yesterday, not three weeks ago.
Oh well.
No point in crying over spilled milk right?
Okay…. Back to being my own happy happy self.

This time last month

Things were different.
I know you don’t remember.
I don’t expect you to.
Yesterday, i told you that was the last time we’re gonna talk for a while.
You asked me for how long.
I said i didn’t know.
You just hugged me after that.
The timing couldn’t have been better.
This time last month we were in the condo.
We talked about our feelings.
Everything seems so different now.
Today, i feel like i lost a brother, best friend and someone important in my life.

One more day

I told myself that after tomorrow I will….
Stop talking to you that much.
Stop over thinking things.
Stop letting the little things affect me.
Not talking to you will hurt since you’re my best friend…
But this is something I have to do.
Just give me tomorrow.
Give me one more day to be happy.

Regrets

My friend sent me this earlier…. Oh yes we’re emotionally damaged people.

I know i’m being a whinny emotional bitch but i just wanna take everything back now. I regret everything so much, i can’t stand it. I feel so stupid and i feel like i fucked things up so much that i wanna cry. And i just want things to be like before. I read our texts like a month ago it was so fine and it was one if the bests. Now, it’s like nothing. Just thin air. I should have kept my fucking mouth shut, i should have never done anything. I’m so stupid. I fucked things up so bad. Fuck.

Color Test

So I took this Color Test I saw on my Newsfeed. It is scarily accurate. Well most of them are. I’ll just put on emphasize and underline the stuff that applies to me.

So here are my results.

Color Test – Results

 

Your Existing Situation “Needs a peaceful and quiet environment. Desires an affectionate and faithful partner who will spoil her and treat her with importance. If she feels mistreated or a lack of attention, she may withdraw.” Your Stress Sources “Always trying to make a good impression on others, but doubtful she is succeeding. Feels she has the right to everything she hopes and dreams of and becomes annoyed and helpless when things don’t go her way. Is troubled by the very thought of failure which leaves her feeling miserable. Always sees herself as the victim as if everyone treats her poorly and she never is given her fair share. Feels her failures are no fault of her own, but due to the shortcomings of others.” Your Restrained Characteristics  “Emotionally withdrawn, feels forced to make compromises which makes emotional attachments difficult.” “Although she is able to find contentment through sexual activity, she feels hopeless to change her problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what she has.” “Seeking to broaden her horizons and believes her hopes and dreams are realistic. Worries she may not be able to do the things she wants and needs to escape to a peaceful, quiet environment in order to restore her confidence.” “Feels she is not receiving her fair share and is unable to rely on anyone for support or sympathy. she keeps her emotions bottled up, leaving her quick to take offense to small things. she tries to make the best of her situation.” “Although she is able to find contentment through sexual activity, she feels hopeless to change her problems and difficulties and continues to make the best of what she has.”   Your Desired Objective “Not a team player and is unwilling to be involved in most activities. In the past she was over involved and now emotionally drained. Due to her fear of over involvement, she now chooses to remain uninvolved with the activities around her. “ Your Actual Problem “Inability to reach her goals, she is afraid to create or pursue new goals because she fears the rejection and let down they may cause her. she is feeling anxious and escapes by withdrawing into herself and protecting her emotions leaving her moody and depressed.” Your Actual Problem #2 “Feeling a lack of energy, she does not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands. she is feeling powerless causing her stress, agitation, and irritation, all which she tries to escape by refusing to participate altogether. she is determined to get her own way in the end and is cautious as she puts her plan in action.”

Results http://www.colorquiz.com/results.php?code=f,7,1,0,5,2,6,3,4,5,0,7,1,5,2,6,4,3,5&p=full#sthash.yOZQeN82.dpuf

Quiz http://www.colorquiz.com/quiz.php

Heart breaker

So the question of the day was “Are you usually the heart breaker or the heart broken?”
I didn’t know what to say so i let other people give their opinion on what they think i am.

What i really wanted to say: … Okay but i don’t think you know me well enough. If you really did know the real me, you should know that I break really easily and that everything’s just a facade.

This ask.fm thing doesn’t end now does it?